On: Small Beds and Empty Arms

A lot has changed since my last post, but not in the way that has taken me by surprise. It has been a gradual shift in direction, and now the wind is pushing me elsewhere.

You might have noticed that the DV section of the site is gone. That's because it is. I'm still writing, but I want to re-write almost all of it. There are a lot of reasons for this, and I'm not ready to talk about them online. However, "In the Deep Down" is continuing as a one-off on the short stories page, and I'll be publishing other works. Hopefully, this will get me to publish more here.

I'm going through a re-invigoration period, pulling the weeds out of my thoughts and planting things for harvest. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of having a lot of interests. I want to try things, and I don't have to be good at them all of the time. This website/blog might be a good example of that. I want to meet people, and I don't have to be their friends necessarily. Just going out and experiencing the world has made me hungry for more.

And here is the issue now, I want more and yet I found myself in the position where I needed to cut ties with someone and make myself a little...less. I procrastinated and listened to songs about mattresses-made-for-one all week, waiting until I felt remorse. By the time it arrived, leaning against my doorframe, you had done the work for me. Asking me for more, saying you'd always wanted it too.

Loud songs about loneliness make me want to dig my nails into my own heart. There is something about the idea of sleeping alone forever that makes my eyes water, and yet I cannot count the amount of times that I have said that, "I will never complain about being alone." And this is also true, not a mask to hide my feelings. I'll go anywhere I can by myself, I'll sit alone at a movie, I'll drive to a park at night. The sentinel lampposts on a sidewalk at night have seemed less a shelter to me during long walks, than an exposure. I am comfortable on my own, and so are you. This is different, though, isn't it? Not a fear of walking alone at night, but a fear that you could chase the morning forever and never see that light in east.

This feeling is nothing new. So many people understand the difference between being alone and lonely. I can only hope that cutting the cord will not send you chasing down the dawn. It will come. There are other people waiting with arms out and palms up to take you in like I should have. I would have been that person for you months ago, but I pushed those feelings away. What I was enamored with was the idea of returning to someone, of circling my arms around a warmth that was not my own, so I would drive every Friday night just to sleep on your vine-striped sheets with heat in my veins.

You don't have to forgive me. Loneliness isn't something that I have ever wished for you. Here is what I do wish: I wish for someone to wake up next to you that won't reach for the pale light striped through your blinds, before resting their arm over you. I wish for someone else to count the galaxies on your shoulders and to weave their fingers through your hair. I wish for you to find someone to call, "beautiful,", and I wish for you to actually mean it. And I hope that this time she believes it too. And in the meantime, I hope that your queen sized mattress doesn't remind you that it aches for balance, another body at your side.

#darkvalley #dv #writing #personal