On: The New Year

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

When you are on the cusp of something do you look ahead? Or do you look behind? Which is more prudent? Which accomplishes more?

As we near the end of the year I find myself wondering which I should do. I haven't thought of a resolution and I haven't made any big plans. I haven't reminisced on fond memories from this past year and I haven't decided whether I hated or felt apathetic about it as a whole. Time is a slippery thing, it gets away from me and I'm never sure if I have the energy to try to hold on to it. There's something to be said about those that do, they have a persistence that I admire.

I think I took less pictures of 2016 than possibly any other year. I had three jobs (one of them carried over from 2014), met new people, found a new partner, and experienced so many new things...but I didn't document it like I maybe should have. I stopped by a random road and photographed an old car in a field. I took pictures of the Christmas lights and of coy ponds. Don't get me wrong, I took pictures...but I suppose what I really mean is that I didn't share a lot of them. They're sitting in a plain, brown box above my desk at home. There's nothing wrong with social media, but these photos that I took were and are for me. Maybe I'll share them here one day.

This was not the happiest of years for me, personally, and I will look back on many of those small moments that were contained inside of a larger, deeper unhappiness. All of the afternoons I confined myself in my room, too anxious to talk to anyone. My father's sudden disappearance. Watching an employer care less and less about me as a person. Watching my grandfather fall into a deep depression and wither into skin and bones. That night I stood at a door that wasn't mine, ready to leave, but wanting to stay.

But the person that owned that door (M) asked me not to go through it, and held me until I felt better. My grandfather has finally become comfortable with texting, and I have had a few (not nearly enough) conversations with him while I was at work. He texted me the other day, thanking me for the book I gave him for Christmas. It hasn't even been a week and I miss him. These are good things, good moments that are messily intertwined in the bad.

The quote above is the closing line from F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. Nick confesses to the struggle involved when an era comes to an end. Time beats us backwards, and for many things there is no way to forget. I will continue to remember those confining and miserable moments from 2016, painful as they might have been and continue to be. I will try to remember the whole of those things as well, all of the good that followed and surrounded me even if I couldn't notice it at the time. I will remember my grandfather hugging me before I left for home this summer. I will remember singing with my cousin in the car. I will remember M kissing my head and whispering, "Idiot," affectionately before taking my hand in his.

Those big things that I did seem to matter less and less. I cannot hold them in my hands and press their warmth to my cheek. 2016 was a good year for small moments. I relinquish myself to the tides, then.

#thenewyear #fscottfitzgerald #thegreatgatsby